Daddy's Home
by Storywriter55
Summary: Neal struggles with feelings of self-doubt following the birth of his daughter. Part of the 'Neal and Sara's Wonderful Adventure' series (24 hours).
1. Chapter 1

_After 'Arrivals and Departures', I'm taking you way back to the beginning – a story in the 'Neal and Sara's Wonderful Adventure' verse. This story happens immediately after 'Special Delivery', hours after Hope's birth. For those of you who wish to climb aboard, the roller-coaster ride continues..._

 **Daddy's home**

(1 day old)

March 27th, 6:48 p.m.

The sun was hanging in the sky like a big orange ball when Peter Burke passed the rather dilapidated sign by the side of the highway: Flemington, Pennsylvania, Population 1,300. Although it was just slightly over an hour and a half away from New York City, Peter had never even heard of the place until it had shown up on his computer screen earlier that afternoon. He dialed Neal's cell phone number for the umpteenth time and listened with annoyance as it went straight to voice mail, cursing under his breath.

The last place he wanted to be on this late March evening was chasing his impulsive criminal informant across state lines. Despite his better judgement, he'd gone out on a limb and decided to give Neal the benefit of the doubt, considering the present circumstances, but now, he shook his head at the realization that the young man was putting himself and Peter in an impossible position – _again_! He thought back to all the times Neal's reckless behavior had put him in such a spot and he briefly wondered if he was angrier at Neal or at himself for not calling his partner out for his crazy, irresponsible behavior. He swallowed and tried to collect his thoughts; whatever reason Neal had for being in this god forsaken out of the way town a mere 17 hours after his baby daughter's birth, Peter had to hear him out before deciding if he should haul him back to New York... in handcuffs. There was Sara to consider and now... there was a little person who needed her daddy.

March 27th, 3:45 p.m.

Peter was headed to a briefing with Reese Hughes when he felt the phone vibrate in his jacket pocket; he grabbed it and sent the call to voicemail without even checking the screen. Hughes had just given him the double finger point and everybody knew that when you got the double finger point, you responded immediately, no questions asked. Turned out, the bigwigs in D.C. wanted Peter and his team to get to work on a money laundering scheme – _now_.

By the time he finally came out of his boss' office with direct instructions to get his team together first thing in the morning, the calls to his voicemail had somehow multiplied to eight and he had more than an inkling all was not right with the world. Two of the calls were from Sara's cell and another six from Elizabeth; Peter took a deep breath, preparing for the worse and closed the door to his office, taking his place behind his desk to call his wife - something was brewing and he suddenly had a foreboding sense that this involved his unpredictable CI.

'Hi honey, I just got your message. What's up?' Peter said into the phone

'Thank God, Peter. I've been trying to call you for over an hour' Elizabeth answered, sounding frantic

He could hear her moving around and the sound of a door closing as she came back on the line.

'I'm at the hospital with Sara' she whispered 'and there's no sign of Neal anywhere'

'What do you mean 'no sign of Neal'?' Peter asked

'He went home to shower and change at about ten o'clock this morning and he hasn't been back' she continued, her voice quiet 'He's not answering his phone and Sara's going crazy'

Peter thought back to the events of the previous night; Neal had been over the moon as he'd introduced baby Hope to his extended family, nothing but pure joy and excitement dancing in his eyes. What could possibly be keeping him from being with his new family less than a day later?

'Did you try Mozzie?' Peter asked, as he sat at his computer, typing in his FBI identification number and password

'He's not answering either' El responded, her voice growing shrill 'Honey, I'm running out of rationalizations. I've been trying to tell Sara that Neal probably just fell asleep but she's not stupid... Do you think he's had an accident? Or...' she hesitated before continuing 'do you think he'd run?'

'Look' Peter said, as he began to access the Federal Marshall's website, hoping against hope to find Neal's anklet flashing over on Riverside Drive in Manhattan

'You just keep working on keeping Sara calm and I'll see what I can find out' he added, not wanting to alarm Elizabeth by sharing what he'd just discovered staring him back on his computer screen

'Hurry Peter, Sara's all over the map and she's imagining the worse' El said

Peter hung up absentmindedly as he gawked at the alert flashing in front of his eyes, notifying him that his CI had stepped out of his two mile radius – although 'stepped out' was hardly an apt description considering he was over 60 miles away, somewhere in Pennsylvania. There had to be a mistake – or an explanation – and Peter grabbed his phone to contact the Marshalls; the last thing he wanted was to have Neal picked up for violation of his release conditions, today of all days.

'This is Agent Peter Burke from the White Collar Division in New York. I... I forgot to notify you that my CI was with me today at a meeting in...' Peter glanced at his computer 'Pennsylvania'

'Yes sir. We were just about to contact you about him breaching his radius' said the disembodied voice on the other end

'Well, no need. Sorry about that' Peter muttered

He took a slow steadying breath and felt another gray hair sprout on his thinning head. This was not the first time Neal had pulled such a stunt and if the younger man had been standing before him, Peter would not have hesitated to throttle him.

Instead, Peter grabbed his jacket and ran out of the Federal Building on his search for his partner and friend.

WCWCWC

Sara sat up in her hospital bed breastfeeding little Hope Ellis-Caffrey who lay calmly in her arms, thankfully unaware of her mom's presently frazzled state of mind. Elizabeth sat nearby, smiling at her friend, the two women taking turns trying to reassure each other; with every ticking minute, the explanations were becoming less and less likely and the worry factor was climbing to disproportionate levels. Their eyes met and Sara kicked off again, her voice shaking.

'Something's happened to him' she said again

'Honey, let's not jump to any conclusions' said El, hand on her friend's arm, desperately trying to keep her calm

'But if he could, he would have called...' Sara said, on the verge of tears

She'd given birth less than twenty four hours before and her emotions were all over the map to say nothing of her dwindling energy after a long, exhausting labor. As horrible as it was to imagine Neal in a ditch somewhere, any other possible explanation was somehow even worse – that he couldn't handle his new responsibilities as a dad and he'd run off to parts unknown. Mozzie had been impossible to reach which was suspicious in and of itself; he always took Mrs. Suit's calls and yet, in this instance, he'd been missing in action, just like his buddy.

'Peter's on it, Sara. Let's give him time. He can track Neal's anklet and he'll call as soon as he knows something' she said, trying to sound reassuring

Sara looked down at her daughter, _their_ daughter, and thought back to the night before when Neal had held the newborn so lovingly in his arms, his face alight with pride and joy at her arrival. They'd lain together in Sara's hospital bed after everyone had left and watched their baby girl sleeping in the small bassinette nearby. She remembered Neal's words as he'd curled up behind her and spoke softly in her ear: 'You were incredible' he'd whispered 'Look at her, she's perfect'

By morning, after a couple of hours of restless sleep, she'd awakened to find Neal, sitting by her bed with Hope in his arms, singing gently to the newborn as he gazed down fondly at her. The image was etched in her mind and, recalling the look of pure bliss on his face, she could not imagine any possible explanation as to why Neal wasn't here by her side.

Elizabeth Burke knew Neal Caffrey almost as well as Sara Ellis did and _her_ mind dared to wander to the possibility that the man's new status as 'daddy' had pushed him over the edge. All throughout Sara's pregnancy, Neal had been nothing but loving and caring and so very excited at the prospect of holding his baby daughter in his arms. But Neal was Neal and perhaps the reality of the situation had simply been too much for him to handle. El knew how he'd struggled when they'd first found out about Sara's delicate condition; the pregnancy had been unplanned and Neal had thought long and hard before finally convincing Sara of his unwavering commitment to being there to parent this child alongside her.

He'd become more and more devoted as the pregnancy evolved and three weeks ago, he'd proposed to Sara, realizing _this_ was the life he wanted more than anything. He'd been happier than she'd ever seen him over the past few weeks as they awaited the blessed event. He'd doted on Sara and talked endlessly about the baby's arrival and he was nothing but thrilled about the upcoming birth.

Sara was having similar thoughts, afraid to voice them for fear they might come true. There had been no sign that Neal was feeling overwhelmed by Hope's arrival. After he'd finally convinced her of his unwavering commitment to being there for the baby, she'd taken a leap of faith and over the past eight months, Neal had not let her down once, committed to every step of their journey to parenthood. He'd been amazing throughout the labor, keeping Sara's spirits up and the look in his eyes as Hope had finally come into the world had been enough to reassure her that they had made the right decision; they were a family now.

No, she thought, Neal would never do this to her or to the baby. There had to be another explanation and she stared down as Hope began to fuss in her arms.

'It's okay, sweetheart' she murmured 'Daddy will be here soon'

Elizabeth smiled tentatively at her friend; she hoped Sara was right and that Neal would come walking through that door any minute.

March 27th, 7:03 p.m.

The building looked abandoned although, from the street, Peter could see some light shining from the third floor window. He began the long climb up the stairwell, unsure exactly where he was headed. Strange city, strange building; all he knew was that the flashing dot had led him to this place and for whatever reason he had yet to comprehend, Neal – or at least his anklet – was nearby.

The ninety minute drive had been tedious considering he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. His goddaughter's arrival in the early morning hours had left them all excited – and exhausted – and he'd somehow managed to drag himself to the office at the usual time despite having had a mere two hours rest.

He'd been relieved to see how Neal had handled things over the past year as his relationship with Sara had turned serious. Peter recalled the look of pure joy on Neal's face, less than twenty four hours before, as he'd walked into the nearby waiting room, inviting everyone into Sara's hospital room to meet their daughter. Peter had known Neal Caffrey for years and he'd seen him continue to evolve as he'd begun to finally trust in himself and his instincts and he'd been thrilled to see Neal and Sara settle into a warm and loving relationship as they awaited their daughter's arrival. Neal's proposal had been unexpected in some ways yet it all made perfect sense; he'd finally realized that he _could_ have that life he thought he'd never have and Peter had been delighted to see the evolution in his friend as time passed. Hope's arrival had been the icing on the cake and now, he wondered if all that happiness wasn't just too much for a man who had doubts as to whether or not he _deserved_ to be happy.

Peter arrived in front of a battered wooden door and stopped to listen, hearing some muffled voices coming from behind it and he stepped up, resolutely knocking as he called out.

'Neal! Are you in there?' he asked as he knocked more insistently a second time

The door opened and there he stood, in an undershirt and a pair of khakis, looking haggard, his eyes red and his hair hanging in his eyes.

'Hi Peter' Neal said simply

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

March 27th, 8:30 a.m.

The soft sound stirred Neal from his restless sleep and it took him a few seconds to resituate himself. His eyes opened and he realized he was lying in very close quarters with his arms snugly around Sara, her back to him as she snoozed. He lifted his head, peaking over his fiancée's shoulder and instantly was drawn back to reality as he spied his newborn daughter in her minuscule hospital bed, her tiny arms and legs stirring as the noises she was making began to grow louder. He disengaged his arms from Sara, careful not to wake her, and gingerly stepped off the bed to make his way over to little Hope whose cooing sounds had begun to intensify.

'Hey sweetheart' he whispered as he expertly picked her up to cradle her in his arms

His soft, calming voice seemed to have the desired effect and she stilled in his arms as he walked her over to a far corner of the birthing room where he carefully settled in the large rocking chair.

'You don't want to wake Mommy' he continued, his voice soft 'She's tired and she needs some rest. How come you're awake, huh?'

Although he was half conscious himself, the reality of her presence and her warm, tiny body against his chest made everything all too real as he thought back to the night before and how she'd finally arrived after almost ten hours of labor. He glanced over to Sara's sleeping form; he didn't think it was possible to love her anymore than he had before but seeing her give birth to this amazing human being had elevated her to rock star status in his mind and he smiled at the sight of her finally pain free and calmly snoozing.

'Do you need your diaper changed?' he asked, his voice barely a whisper

With one hand, he skillfully opened up the soft blanket in which Hope was swaddled and undid one of the snaps on his baby daughter's sleeper, carefully slipping in one finger to test the inside of the tiny diaper, noticing it was damp. He hadn't yet had the opportunity to change her diaper but he'd practiced plenty of times at their prenatal classes (to say nothing of the doll he'd snuck into their apartment over at June's) and he felt equal to the task as he stood to make his way over to the small supply of diapers tucked away under the bassinette. He started on his mission to make Hope more comfortable, trying desperately not to wake Sara in the process.

The baby squawked when he lay her down temporarily, seemingly missing the reassuring feel of her daddy's arms around her but the sound of his soothing voice seemed to help her cope with the sudden loss of physical closeness.

'There, there' Neal murmured '...that's going to feel a lot better, isn't it sweet pea?'

He made quick work of getting rid of the damp diaper and he worked rapidly to replace it with a clean one, using the wetnaps to gently wipe her tiny little bum and again to clean his hands. He wrapped her lovingly in a clean receiving blanket, making sure to tuck her in nice and tight, just like he'd been taught. Newborns who had just left the womb needed to feel safe and secure and Neal swaddled her lovingly in the soft blanket, making sure she was snug as he prepared to take her in his arms.

Her eyes unfocussed, she seemed to be searching for the source of the soft reassuring voice and when he finally reached down to pick her up again, her tense muscles relaxed as she felt his strong arms envelop her.

Neal cooed as he made his way back over to the rocking chair and to that gentle back and forth motion she already seemed to enjoy. He saw her eyes begin to close, her body relaxing; the change in position as he sat down caused her eyes to flutter open and she let out a small, breathy sound and Neal began to rock her gently, his voice murmuring sweet nothings. The sound seemed to reassure her and her eyes closed again, more resolutely this time, and Neal began to sing softly, his voice raspy and slightly unsteady as he continued to gaze lovingly at his newborn daughter.

'You're a natural' Neal heard as his eyes moved from the treasure in his arms to her mom, who was perched up on an elbow looking over at them

'Hey' Neal answered with a smile 'I was hoping we wouldn't wake you'

'Well, this is better than any dream I could be having...' she said, her voice hoarse and full of sleep

Neal stood to make his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge as Sara's eyes went from his to the beautiful infant who was now sound asleep. Sara let out a sigh, a combination of blissful satisfaction and amazement as she continued to stare.

'I can't believe she's finally here' she said, running her hand lovingly on her soft head of hair. Neal just grinned as he watched the exchange between mother and daughter. As much as Sara had worried about not being up to the task, he could see the love and awe in her face, erasing any doubts she might have had about her ability to be a loving and caring mom. His eyes returned to Hope, noting the full head of dark hair, the tiny features which were reminiscent of both her parents, and the way in which she was breathing softly, without a care in the world. Her mouth, heart-shaped, sucked in small, regular breaths, her tiny fists closed and tucked in close to her body. She had Neal's coloring, there was no doubt about that, but she also had the shape of Sara's face – an odd mixture of the two of them – but most of all, she was her own person and not a carbon copy of either one of them.

'She's so small...' Neal reflected

Of all the realizations since her arrival, the most overwhelming for the new dad was the sheer innocence and vulnerability of the tiny human being; she was totally at their mercy and his sudden awareness that she needed them for absolutely _everything_ was a daunting notion.

'You look exhausted, Neal' Sara finally said as she took in his features, his hair disheveled, his eyes still small from lack of sleep

'I'm on too much of a high to be tired' he answered, his eyes never leaving Hope

'Still, if all goes well, they'll probably be sending us home tomorrow and we should try to get some rest while we can. Once we get home, we're on our own' she said, the voice of reason

Neal just stared at the infant and shook his head 'No, I'm too excited to sleep'

Sara put her hand on his arm, urging him to look away for a moment and finally, his eyes met hers as she spoke.

'Listen to me, why don't you go home just for a couple of hours. You could use a shower and a shave' she said, gently touching his stubbly cheek 'The nurses will bring her to the nursery and I can get some sleep too. Just come back later and we can all be together'

Although he hated to admit it, Neal thought a shower and a couple of hours of sleep sounded wonderful after their long night of labor and he looked into Sara's eyes, mulling over her proposition.

'I _could_ be back in a couple of hours...' he said, placing a kiss on Hope's forehead

'Take your time, have a nap. We'll be here when you get back' Sara said, reassuringly

Neal smiled at the new mom, a big, sincere smile as he leaned in to kiss her, baby Hope snuggled safely between them.

'You... are amazing' he said simply 'Yesterday morning, when I left for work...'

He stopped, his voice unsteady, not quite sure how to explain what it was he was feeling.

'I just never thought I could love you more than I did before... but after last night, I... it's like 'love' isn't a strong enough word anymore' he finally blurted out

'Neal...' Sara breathed as she felt her eyes begin to water – damn hormones

He shrugged, trying to keep his emotions in check. The last twenty four hours had been a roller-coaster of emotions and combined with the lack of sleep, said emotions were difficult to control and manage and he swallowed hard to keep from getting too maudlin.

'You're the one who's been amazing' Sara said 'I could never have done this without you'

'Sure you could have. You are _so_ strong, Sara Ellis' he interrupted

She looked into the eyes of this man, who drove her crazy in every possible way, and now, seeing him holding their newborn daughter, it was as if she was seeing him for the first time. He was caring and loving, that she already knew, but seeing him with this tiny baby in his arms made him all the more vulnerable and... sexy in some strange way.

'Now, shoo' she said, shaking off the over-sentimentality 'Give me our daughter and go get some rest'

Once Sara had fed her and she'd been placed in her bassinette, Hope seemed to be off to a good solid nap and Neal accompanied the nurse as she returned the baby to the nursery, leaving Sara to her own well deserved slumber. He watched as the tiny bed was placed alongside the five other babies who'd been born in the last few days, noting with glee that Hope was by far the most beautiful of the group. He watched for several minutes and once he was reassured that the two ladies in his life were both sound asleep, he stepped out into the cool New York morning to make his way back home.

March 27th, 10:35 a.m.

'Moz! What are you doing here?' Neal asked as he opened the door to his apartment and spotted his buddy sitting at his kitchen table

Mozzie looked up, a glass of wine in his hand, as Neal gave him a disapproving look.

'What? You know the old saying: It's noon – '

'Yeah, yeah, I know' Neal interrupted

Mozzie's propensity for good wine at any time of the day or night had been a bone of contention between them for a long time but Mozzie was a grown up and Neal was not his keeper.

'I figured you'd come home at some point and I just thought I'd hang around. So how's mini-Sara this morning?' he asked, trying to infuse some levity

' _Hope_ is wonderful' Neal answered dreamily as he began to take off his jacket and place it on the back of a chair

'Look, no offence, Moz but I came home for just a little while – to shower and have a nap...' Neal added

As hints went, that one was pretty direct but with Mozzie, being direct was a prerequisite – subtlety was not his strong suit.

'Alright, I'll go sit with June for a while' Mozzie answered as he stood, taking his glass with him 'I'll check in with you later'

Within minutes, Neal was standing under the wonderfully soothing shower, a big grin still on his face as he thought of his new baby daughter. Although he'd had eight months to prepare for her arrival, it still seemed somehow unreal now that she was finally here. The feel of the hot water on his skin was amazing and he felt himself start to drift off into another state of consciousness; he forced himself out of the wonderfully relaxing shower, dried himself off and headed straight for bed, grabbing a pair of sleep pants and settling in for a well deserved nap.

Hope's beautiful face was the last thing he remembered before he drifted off.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

March 27th, 1:07 p.m.

' _Please rise' the judge said as the young woman reluctantly stood at her lawyer's urging_

 _Her dark, curly hair framed her pale face, her empty blue eyes darting back towards her parents who sat in the courtroom, side by side._

' _You've been charged with possession of class A drugs and breaking and entering. How do you plead?' said the stern man with the gavel_

' _My client pleads not guilty, Your Honor' said the tall lean man standing next to Hope Ellis-Caffrey_

 _Neal and Sara sat nearby watching in shock as their daughter faced criminal charges for the second time in her short life._

' _This is all_ _ **your**_ _fault, Neal' Sara spat at him, under her breath 'She's like this because of_ _ **you**_ _'_

 _Neal looked down, totally dispossessed, knowing Sara was right about the reasons that had led their daughter to such impulsive, self-destructive behavior. His criminal past, once he'd shared it with her, seemed to give her license to behave in such a reckless fashion – his failure to be the good role model he'd so wished he could be now staring him right in the face._

 _He'd been unable to stay on the straight and narrow and, all her life, sixteen year old Hope had seen her dad run petty schemes with her uncle Mozzie as her mom tried desperately to keep her from sliding down that slippery slope into criminal behavior. Neal had spent five years of her young life behind bars as Hope watched him continue to falter and fall prey to the inevitable attraction of life on the wrong side of the law. It was an exciting life and as young as twelve, she'd begun to get involved with the criminal element, stealing at school and successfully conning people around her – alienating all those who might have been a good influence on her, including her uncle Peter who'd tried so hard to bring her back from the brink. Sara had struggled, fighting against the inevitable consequences of Neal's poor example and she knew without a doubt that his reckless behavior was the source of all of their daughter's problems. Despite her good intentions, Sara hadn't had the heart to completely cut him out of their daughter's life and the young girl continued to idolize her dad; he was loving and caring and yet, he was a criminal and she wanted to be just like him._

Neal woke with a start, his breathing uneven as he slowly realized where he was – safe at June's in his and Sara's bed. He sat up, breathing hard as the dream came into focus, clear as can be, surely a foreboding of what was to come.

Who was he kidding? He wasn't worthy of being someone's dad, he realized, as he felt the presence of the anklet on his left leg. Most of the time, he didn't even feel the anklet anymore, it was a comfortable presence on his body, reminding him that he was still doing penance for all his past misdeeds. But suddenly, on this day, it felt heavy and constrictive and a jarring reminder that he _was_ indeed a criminal – and _always_ would be.

He sat, perched on the edge of the bed, noticing his pulse was still rapid and he absentmindedly ran his hands through his hair as his mind continued to replay the nightmare he'd just had. This was surely the future for Hope with a father like him. It had been the case for him growing up and now it seemed like a foregone conclusion that he would never be able to escape his criminal tendencies and that, in the presence of such a negative role model, Hope would be compelled to do the same.

He recalled her small, innocent face as he'd held her that morning, a blank slate for everything he and Sara would eventually teach her throughout her young life. She was on the losing end of both sides of the nature/nurture debate: she had a biological father who was a criminal and if he continued to be a regular presence in her life, modeling criminal behavior, his daughter would undoubtedly follow in his tracks. He momentarily thought of Sophia Montoya, the young woman they'd arrested just days before. She couldn't have been more than 22 years old, with her whole life ahead of her, and yet she was facing jail time and a lifetime of repercussions for the theft she'd carried out. That could easily be Hope if she was raised by a dad who played fast and loose with the law, something Neal had done his whole life.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, his mind reeling, Neal was suddenly riddled with doubt; did he _really_ think he would be able to control his criminal impulses for the rest of his life? What if he faltered and fell back into the life – after all, with Mozzie as his best friend, that would be so easy to do. The last few months, Neal had been strong, focussed as he was on the future, on Hope's arrival and more recently, on his planned wedding to the woman he now knew was the only one for him. But... staying clean for the rest of his life, despite his best intentions, seemed to be more than he could ever commit to and he looked down, noticing his hands were shaking at the thought.

When Sara had gotten pregnant, he'd struggled at length with the notion of commitment – commitment to raising a baby, commitment to standing united with Sara in parenthood. It had become clear to him, after a lot of soul searching that he wanted _that_ more than anything and as time passed and Sara's belly grew, he'd become more and more excited at the prospect of becoming a dad. His recent realization, that he wanted even more of a commitment to Sara, had led him to realize that he wanted a family life with her, complete with the white picket fence – something he'd never allowed himself to want nor had he thought he deserved.

Sara's unconditional love for him had blinded Neal to the impact his past might have on their little girl as she grew up. Sara knew him inside and out, literally and figuratively; she knew about his past down to the not so pretty details and yet, she'd been willing and able to turn the page and allow him – allow them – to make a fresh start. Sure, she knew he wasn't a model citizen and that he'd always have an edge to him; it was a consequence of his youth and she willingly accepted that, embraced it in fact. After all, Neal could still play fast and loose with his interpretation of what was lawful, but he'd managed to stay on the right side of things for the past few months as he continued to work diligently to what he hoped would be the end of his sentence. Sara, and Peter before her, had somehow persuaded Neal that his kind and loving heart would be his salvation and they both put up with his occasional lapses in judgement – but they were adults, able to comprehend the issues which had led him down the path to criminality and they'd both been able to understand those nuances, taking the good with the bad.

But Hope, she was just a baby, an impressionable, innocent little person who would take all of Neal's crap as the god honest truth – contrary to her mom who could stand up to Neal when he was being ridiculously impulsive and reckless and not hesitate to set him straight.

Now, sitting in his apartment, alone, he had to be honest with himself and face the fact that he might never be able to control those damning impulses. After the revealing dream he was still reeling from, it was obvious that the consequences of this inability would be far-reaching for this little baby he loved more than life itself.

The door to the apartment opened and Mozzie reappeared, his glass of wine still firmly in his hand.

'Finally' he said as he breezed in 'I thought you were going to sleep all day'

Neal sat on the edge of the bed, still motionless as his wild eyes met Mozzie's.

'What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost' Mozzie said as he came a little closer

'Yeah... the ghost of Christmas future' Neal said in jest as his mind replayed the nightmare in a constant loop in his muddled brain

Mozzie frowned at his friend's strange response and Neal just shook his head, unable or unwilling to provide any more details at this point.

'Moz, I need to get out of here for awhile...' he began as he stood, suddenly resolute

'Aren't you headed back to the hospital?' Mozzie asked as he gravitated back to the open bottle of wine on the table

'No... not yet... I need to work something out' Neal said, his voice unsteady

'Work _what_ out?' Mozzie answered, still not picking up on the weird vibe off of Neal

'Moz, do you still have that safe house in Pennsylvania?' Neal asked as he began to rummage for something to wear

'... Yeah...' the man stuttered, obviously confused at the question

'I just need to get away for a little while – can I use it?' Neal asked as he began to throw some clothes on

'Neal, I have five other ones which are a lot closer – what about your anklet?' he asked

Neal seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking 'I really don't give a shit about my anklet right now, Moz, I just need to get away, drive for awhile...' he stopped suddenly, not ready to share his musings quite yet

'I could come – ' Mozzie began, in response

'Thanks Moz, but I need to be alone for awhile' Neal said as he put out his hand to take the key Mozzie was offering him

'Don't... don't tell Sara, okay, she'll just worry' Neal said 'and tell June I'm taking one of her cars' he added as he headed for the door

'But – ' Mozzie began, unsure of what was happening or how to react

'Thanks Moz' Neal said dismissively as he stepped outside onto the stair landing

His mind was a total jumble of unformed thoughts and random feelings and he needed some time to work things out for himself before he could explain things to anyone else, let alone to himself. All he knew was that he needed space and time to work things out; the stakes were much too high.

WCWCWC

'Hi Ms Ellis' the nurse said as she wheeled the bassinette into Sara's hospital room 'I think your little one needs to eat'

Sara turned in the bed, momentarily bewildered as to where she was as she went from blissful sleep to jarring wakefulness. She glanced at the time on her phone by the bedside noting it was already past lunch and realized she'd been sleeping for a solid three hours. She smiled at the sight of her daughter being wheeled in as the little one began to make small, whiny sounds making her needs known in no uncertain terms.

The new mom sat up in the bed suddenly aware that Neal hadn't yet returned – she was glad he was taking the time to rest; they needed to tag team if they were going to keep up with what would likely be chopped up, short periods of sleep for the foreseeable future.

'Have you seen Hope's dad around' she asked on the off-chance Neal had returned and was lurking nearby

'Not since this morning' answered the nurse as she handed Sara her little bundle of joy

Sara smiled as she opened her arms, preparing to breastfeed her daughter; she was starting to get the hang of it and the strange sensation of having Hope suckle on her breast was slightly uncomfortable although not entirely unpleasant.

'Hello, sweet girl' Sara cooed as the nurse helped set her up

'Do you need any help?' she asked

'No, I've got this' Sara said as she settled the baby on her breast 'Oh, if you do see her daddy, do you want to let him know she's awake'

'Sure thing. I'll be back in a few minutes' said the nurse, turning to leave

Sara's face relaxed as Hope settled, warm and safe in her mom's arms.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

March 27th, 2:20 p.m.

The road to Flemington, Pennsylvania was peaceful and quiet on this cool March afternoon; just what Neal needed to try to make sense of the jumbled thoughts competing for his attention. He knew that by going outside his radius, one of two things would inevitably happen: the Marshalls would show up to arrest him or Peter would come looking for him. Either way, he didn't care; all he knew for certain was that he needed to quiet his mind and figure things out. He was feeling caged, not by his new status as Hope's daddy, but by the realization that he was still on the damn anklet, a constant reminder of his criminal past, something he was beginning to think he was doomed to repeat.

His heart spoke, urging him to turn around and run back to the hospital, to the safety of Sara's arms, to their beautiful newborn daughter who needed her daddy. His rational mind responded with an even more compelling argument – he needed to think things through and stay away from his family until he figured out what was best for the two people he loved so much.

He wasn't thinking clearly - he was still reeling from the all consuming love and overwhelming sense of responsibility he'd been feeling since Hope had entered the world. He'd had similar, although more muted, emotions as he'd watched Sara's belly expand over the past few months, aware that their baby was growing inside her and marvelling at how her body was changing in response. Sara had always been beautiful - but pregnant, she'd practically glowed and he'd felt as if the two of them shared a secret no one else in the world would ever understand.

Watching Hope come into the world, however, had brought things to a whole new level – the realization that this little person was whole unto herself and no longer a part of Sara's body had hit him like a ton of bricks. There was no longer any way to completely shield her from life's inevitable ups and downs, no matter how hard they tried. She would become her own independent person in time and their job as parents was to keep her safe and secure while she discovered the world.

There were things that they _could_ protect her from, though – and Neal was starting to believe that he, Neal Caffrey, conman and criminal, might be one of those toxic 'things'.

WCWCWC

Elizabeth Burke parked the car in the multi-level garage at Lenox Hill Hospital and began to make her way inside. She was carrying a large stuffed panda, the first of many gifts to come for her new goddaughter whom she'd already fallen in love with.

It had been difficult for her to watch Sara and Neal during the first few weeks of Sara's pregnancy; they had fallen into this quite by accident whereas she and Peter had wanted a baby for as long as she could remember. Life seemed unfair in that way. Early on, Sara had decided to terminate the pregnancy, unsure whether or not Neal was truly ready to commit to such an enormous life changing experience. But the man had proven over the past few months that he was up to the challenge and El had enjoyed watching them both grow into their roles as expectant parents. Now, seeing the two of them interacting with the baby, all doubts had vanished and all that was left was joy at welcoming this little one into the world and the excitement of having front row seats to watch her grow as the years passed. She and Peter had been thrilled to be asked to be Hope's godparents and the night before, when Neal had introduced Hope Elizabeth Ellis-Caffrey to everyone, she'd grinned from ear to ear at the realization that she would always be a part of this little person's life.

She made her way up to the maternity ward, taking a detour to see if the baby was in the nursery.

'You're here for Ms Ellis, aren't you?' asked the nurse who hovered nearby

El nodded in response.

'She's got the baby in her room with her' said the nurse pointing to the nearby room

The sight that greeted Elizabeth as she stood in the doorway to Sara's hospital room took her by surprise. She watched in silence as Sara spoke to her daughter in a soft, calming voice she'd never heard the young woman use before – a well hidden side of the strident Ms Ellis that Elizabeth was just learning to discover. The baby made soft, cooing noises as she lay content in her mom's arms and El fought back a tear as she finally stepped into the room, causing Sara to look up.

'Hey Mom! How are you doing?' Elizabeth asked as she stepped in

'Oh, Hope, look it's your Auntie Elizabeth and she's spoiling you already' Sara said with a laugh as she took in the large marsupial in El's arms

El made her way closer, her eyes drawn to the baby. She hadn't held her since the night before, mere minutes after her birth, and she was looking forward to cradling her in her arms again. Sara saw the look of anticipation in her friend's eyes and without hesitation, offered up her daughter to her.

'She might need her diaper changed' said Sara looking down fondly at Hope 'She just drank an awful lot'

'I can do that' Elizabeth said without hesitation as she took the infant from her mom's outstretched arms

Hope was already starting to nod off now that she was satiated and El got a quick glimpse of her blue eyes before they closed, the baby letting out a contented sigh.

'I thought I'd have to fight Neal off to hold her' said El

'He went home to change and have a nap. He should be back anytime' Sara said as she glanced at the time

She grabbed her phone, calling Neal – now that she was returning to her previous self, she was craving a latte and when the call went to voicemail, she placed her order.

'...oh, and don't forget – low fat milk. I've got to get rid of this baby fat if I'm ever going to fit into a wedding dress. See you soon, Dad' she said with a soft smile as she ended the call.

'So how did you sleep?' asked Elizabeth

'Well, Neal and I fell asleep at around 4:30 this morning after you all left and she slept for a good three hours. When I woke up, I found the two of them canoodling over there on the rocking chair' she said fondly as she recalled hearing her boyfriend singing softly to their daughter

Elizabeth laughed at the thought. Cool, unflappable Neal Caffrey going all goo-goo eyed over a baby – she loved the image.

'He's been pretty incredible, huh?' El asked, knowing full well the answer

'You have no idea' answered Sara as she sat up 'He's been my rock. You should have seen his face when she was born. I like to think I can do things to that man but... I've never seen him look quite like he did when he first laid eyes on her. He's totally smitten. I'm going to have to stand my ground to keep him from spoiling her rotten'

Elizabeth looked down at her namesake, obviously in love herself.

'It's amazing isn't it? One day you have a great big belly and the next...' she said, recalling the intense cab ride to the hospital as she'd sat by her friend's side

Sara just nodded in agreement. Her thoughts returned to her baby's daddy, and she couldn't help her next comment.

'Well, Neal better get here soon. I'm surprised he's taking this long...' she said as an after thought

It had been a struggle to get him to leave in the first place and for him not to rush back seemed out of character for the brand new dad. Sara shook off the passing thought and turned her attention back to her friend.

WCWCWC

By the time Neal pulled up outside the old building that housed Mozzie's safe house, it was almost 4:00. He knew Sara would be starting to worry by now and part of him wanted to reach out to her but frankly, he had no idea what he could possibly tell her that would explain his failure to return to her side.

' _Honey, I'm just holed up in one of Mozzie's safe houses while I figure out if I'm more of a help or a hindrance in raising our daughter for the next twenty years ...but don't worry...'_

Yeah, that would go over well. It was better to just work things out; sooner or later Peter would come looking, of that Neal was certain. His mentor's insights into his current dilemma would certainly help him see things more clearly. For now, the sheer physical distance he'd created between himself and his new family was essential if he was going to make the best rational decision for Hope's future... and for Sara's.

If Sara raised their daughter on her own, he knew Hope would have a strong role model and that she would grow into a wonderful, confident young woman like her mom. But that required him to stay away and the thought of a life without the two of them was just unbearable. He took in a long, unsteady breath as he made his way up the building's staircase to the third floor towards the apartment he'd visited a couple of times before his stay in prison. He vaguely remembered the place and wondered in passing why Mozzie felt the need to have so many of these hideaways – surely overcompensation for never having had a home of his own while he was growing up.

The key (or keys since there were six locks) unlocked the door and within moments, Neal found himself in a well appointed flat, complete with a high tech security system. The place was decorated in a sleek urban style - all of Mozzie's homes had a theme - and he looked around at the chrome and glass surrounding him, marvelling once again at Mozzie's high end tastes in home furnishings. Surprisingly, when he went to the fridge to see if there was anything to drink, he found it fully stocked with alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages as well as the staples necessary to prepare a great meal – something he had absolutely no interest in at the moment. Neal grabbed a glass of wine and made his way over to the white leather couch which dominated the wide open space.

What the hell was he doing there he wondered as he tried to get his brain to shut off for just a moment. His body ached for Sara, for their baby and he let out a choked noise that turned into a soulful moan as his mind reverted back into overdrive once again.

Planning a heist was easy – you simply got to know your mark's weaknesses and you planned things step by step, making sure you had a sound contingency plan, followed by a second then a third. In comparison, trying to sift through conflicting emotions when other people's welfare was at stake was unbearably challenging and so heart wrenchingly personal.

Neal had often acted impulsively in his life and it usually got him into trouble (as Peter was quick to point out); going back to the hospital to Sara's waiting arms would be just that – an impulsive, reckless move that might provide instant gratification but did little to ensure he was doing what was best in the long run for her and little Hope.

Before he could go back to the life he longed for, he needed to be certain he could refrain from falling back into a life of crime. His track record in that regard was abysmal; the allure and attraction of 'the life' had been irresistible for so many years now and he still struggled on a daily basis with doing the right thing. Now, there was so much more to consider and he knew for certain that he could never live with himself if he ended up leading his daughter down that destructive path.

He'd spent most of his life camouflaging his true feelings under a veneer of false bravado and it was only in recent months, with Sara holding a mirror to his face, that he'd been able to be truly honest with himself, to understand what it was he really wanted and the price he would need to pay. Now, more than ever he had to be brutally honest with himself.

The voice returned, unbidden:

' _You're a criminal Neal. That's all you'll ever be'_ it said _'You don't deserve to be happy'_

He stood to look at himself in the large mirror nearby, searching his eyes for the truth, forcing himself to stare deep into his soul.

The battle raged on in his muddled mind.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

He didn't quite know _how_ it happened but Neal had somehow managed to nod off on Mozzie's buttery soft couch when he heard the door open, sending the contents of the wine glass that was perched precariously on his stomach cascading down the front of his shirt.

He was up like a shot, coming to instantly as he braced himself for the intruder's arrival.

'Moz!' he yelled out, his heart beating wildly in his chest as the door opened revealing the little man

Mozzie stared at his friend and watched helplessly as the wine glass Neal had been holding tumbled to the ground, shattering into a million pieces on the hard wood floor.

'Hey, careful!' Mozzie called out, obviously annoyed 'That's Wedgewood crystal'

'What are you _doing_ here, Moz? I told you I needed some time alone' Neal whined more than said

'Well, I gave you a full hour head start...' Mozzie muttered. He made his way over to where Neal stood and he started to clean up the mess at his feet '... Anyway, you've had enough time alone!'

Neal rolled his eyes at his friend; Mozzie wasn't known for taking no for an answer.

'Look, whatever _this_ is, it's time you went home to Sara... and Hope' Mozzie said authoritatively

Neal let himself fall onto the couch with a long sigh 'It's _not_ that simple, Moz'

'Do you love Sara?' Mozzie asked, interrogation style

'Yes!' Neal answered without hesitation before the question was completely asked

'And what about the baby?' Moz continued

'God, yes!' Neal responded, his voice resolute

'Then it's _that_ simple' Mozzie retorted without missing a beat

'Who _are_ you?' Neal asked staring at his friend 'You're the one who's always telling me that happily ever after isn't for guys like us'

'Well, I reserve the right to be wrong... just this once' he muttered as he settled into the armchair across from his partner in crime

Neal sat, shaking his head as the events of the past twenty four hours came flooding back.

'I thought you got over all that... 'commitment phobia' months ago. You've been faking it pretty good ever since little Miss Repo got pregnant' Mozzie said

'I haven't been _faking_ it, Moz. And this isn't about the commitment... I'm in, all the way. This is... something else' Neal said as he tried to put into words all he'd been feeling since earlier in the day

As much as he'd convinced himself he needed time to think, away from any and all distractions, Neal realized it felt good to finally talk to someone about how he was feeling. There _was_ such a thing as too much introspection and after a while, the same old unproductive thoughts had begun to run around his mind like a hamster in a wheel.

'What if I can't leave _the life_ behind, Moz? Sara... she's a grownup, she can deal with it but Hope... she's so vulnerable'

Mozzie leaned in to listen. In his eyes, Neal was the guy who never seemed to have any doubts – he was confident and decisive albeit impulsive and reckless at times. Seeing him paralyzed with such irrational fears was an unusual and unwelcome sight. He watched as Neal fidgeted, finally standing and beginning to pace up and down the narrow space.

'I can't be responsible for her following in my footsteps someday...' Neal said, his eyes sad

'Neal' Mozzie interrupted 'I think you're over thinking this. To my chagrin, you've been a model citizen ever since Sara got pregnant'

'That's just it Moz, it's still a struggle – every day. Every time you talk to me about some hare-brained scheme of yours, I still get all... pumped' Neal admitted as much to himself as to his friend

Mozzie raised his eyebrows in response. Over the past few months, he'd refrained from coaxing Neal into getting involved in his unending plots and ploys. Sara was pretty good about turning a blind eye as long as it didn't land her boyfriend back in jail but still, he and Neal had always been a great team and Mozzie missed the old Neal – the guy who jumped in head first without hesitation whenever an interesting (read lucrative) opportunity arose.

'I have this message playing over and over in a loop in my head: _once a criminal, always a criminal_ ' Neal finally blurted out

Mozzie was at a loss for words; he shared Neal's view that the conman's life was a lifelong sentence yet, he had to admit that he'd never seen Neal happier than he'd seen him in the last year and he knew first hand that Sara and the baby's impending arrival had a lot to do with that. He had to tread lightly with anything he said to Neal while his friend was in such a vulnerable state and he decided to change the subject instead of responding directly to his buddy's last comment.

'Take that shirt off before the wine stain sets in' he said, pointing to the dark red stain forming on the front of Neal's shirt 'I'll rinse it out for you'

WCWCWC

'He's either lying in a gutter somewhere or... well if he isn't, I'm going to kill him' Sara said as she sat up in bed, anger rising in her voice

'Peter will call soon. Try to stay calm, Sara, you're still recovering from a long labor...' Elizabeth began, half heartedly 'you don't want to upset the baby'

Despite wanting to believe the best of Neal, El was starting to suspect that he'd gone AWOL after realizing the enormity of the responsibility that was parenthood. As much as Neal had been excited about Hope's arrival, maybe actually holding her in his arms had been too much for the conman.

'I know Neal, El. He was thrilled about Hope and nobody put a gun to his head when he proposed to me three weeks ago. Something must have happened to freak him out' Sara said, calming down

Elizabeth listened, just as confused as her friend was. She checked her watch once again, noting it was coming on to 7:00 and it was getting dark outside. Wherever Neal was and whatever he was doing, she hoped it wasn't irrevocable and that it wouldn't land him back in the slammer.

'And you're sure he didn't say anything before he left?' she asked, playing detective

Sara gave her friend an eye roll.

'I told you... I practically had to push him out the door. He didn't want to leave... and the way he looked at Hope... He's her daddy and I could tell he had absolutely no regrets' Sara said, now returning to worry mode

'That's why this doesn't make any sense' she added

Elizabeth Burke bit her lip, riding the wave between alarm and reassurance and gave Sara Ellis' hand an encouraging squeeze.

WCWCWC

They two men sat in silence: Mozzie trying to find the right words to say and Neal ruminating over his fate. The silence was broken by an abrupt (and rather loud) knock on the door and they exchanged worried glances; Neal knew that whoever was on the other side of the door was coming for him and he braced himself in case it was the Marshalls packing heat... and handcuffs. He put out his hand towards Mozzie, urging him to stay put and he was making his way to the door when he heard the familiar voice.

'Neal! Are you in there?' Peter called out just as Neal opened the door to greet him

'Hi Peter' Neal said as he stood there in his undershirt, looking like a lost soul

'Damn it, Neal! What the hell is going on?' Peter said as he stormed in, not waiting for an invitation

He spotted Mozzie sitting there and his face changed from concern to anger.

'What the hell is this? Are you two on the lam?' he blurted out, angry

'Hum, Peter' Neal said as he raised the edge of his pant leg to show him the blinking red light 'Do you really think I'd be waiting here with this thing still on my leg if we were on the run?'

'Then you'd better have a damn good explanation for dragging me all the way to ... Lemington – ' Peter blurted out, flustered

'It's _Flemington_ ' Mozzie corrected 'and I'll have you know they have a wonderful summer jazz festival here'

Peter glared at Mozzie – not helping, he thought.

'Neal, everybody's worried sick about you – not the least of which is your soon to be wife, you remember her, don't you – she's the redhead who gave birth to your baby daughter last night' Peter said, his voice dripping with sarcasm

Neal's eyes dropped in shame at the pain he was causing everyone with his existential crisis.

Peter continued staring him down and wagged his finger dangerously close to Neal's face 'Now listen to me, I'm calling my wife to tell her you're alive and then, _you_ are going to tell me exactly what the hell is going on here'

Peter took a few steps away from the two men and Neal could hear him muttering into his phone briefly. He could only imagine what might be going on at the other end of the phone line. No doubt Elizabeth was with Sara in her hospital room and he could picture Sara's worry dissolving into pure unadulterated anger and disappointment as she heard the news that Neal was 'fine' although fine was a very poor description for the way he was feeling.

'Alright, I've put El and Sara out of their misery although I wouldn't put it past Sara to put a bounty out on your head for the stunt you just pulled, Neal. Now you better have a damn good explanation' Peter spit out, barely containing his fury

Mozzie didn't do so well with confrontations – especially with the Feds – and he glanced at his friend furtively, looking for an opportunity to make a hasty exit; he really didn't want to be there to witness Neal being raked over the coals by his handler.

'I... I'm going to... go across the street and pick us up something to eat' he said as he made his way to the door as quickly as his legs could carry him 'I'll be back... or maybe not' he added as he saw the look on Peter's face.

The door closed and Peter and Neal faced off – one man looking livid and the other one riddled with guilt.

WCWCWC

'Well, what else did he say?' Sara asked as she held Hope, trying not to pass on her negative emotions to the baby

El looked at her, 'Nothing much; sorry. He just wanted us to know that Neal's alright'

'Did he say where they were?' Sara asked, her voice louder

Hope startled in her arms, her sleep interrupted by the sound of Sara's angry voice and she let out a small cry as Sara began to hush her.

El just shook her head in response.

'Damn him!' Sara said, modulating her voice 'Is this what it's going to be like with Neal? Because, I didn't sign up for this'

'Let's give him the benefit of the doubt –' El began before Sara cut her off

'The benefit of the doubt? Really, El? Like I haven't done that enough since I've known Neal Caffrey' Sara said, her voice bitter

The hurt which had been hiding right underneath the anger spilled out along with a few wayward tears as Sara pulled Hope in closer to her chest.

'I thought we worked all this out – when I first got pregnant' she said sadly

'I know one thing for sure, Sara. Neal loves you' El said quietly, that statement the only one she knew to be true

Somehow, Sara knew she was right and despite his latest stunt, she loved him too, more than ever. She swallowed hard.

'Well, he has a very strange way of showing it' she said

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Peter Burke took a seat across from his wayward CI and began to resume normal breathing; ever since he'd seen the flashing red dot on his office computer screen that afternoon, he'd been functioning on pure adrenaline. Now that he knew Neal was safe and that he wasn't on the run (at least not from the FBI), his emotions had gone from anger and disappointment to plain old curiosity and concern for the man sitting in front of him.

Neal stared ahead, finally coming to the realization that his little runner might not have been the best strategy for what ailed him and he waited patiently for the tongue lashing that was undoubtedly coming from his handler. He hated Peter's holier-than-thou attitude at times but he had to admit (not to Peter, of course) that his partner often raised some valid points he had somehow missed in his often impulsive reaction to situations. Over the past four years, he'd begun to count on Peter for that reality check and although he would always take Peter's 'by the book' vision of the world with a grain of salt, it still helped him balance his often reckless reaction to things.

He glanced up at Peter, waiting for some miraculous words of wisdom that would help him make sense of the events of the past twenty four hours.

'Start at the beginning, Neal' Peter said, with a calm voice that belied his mixed feelings '... and don't leave anything out'

Neal took a deep breath; now that he was being forced to synthesize all that had been happening in his overactive imagination, he was at a loss for words.

'I just... freaked out' Neal admitted, his voice quiet

Peter searched his eyes. He thought back to the events of the past year; there was no way that what he'd witnessed over the past few months was a sham, a con. He'd seen his CI's metamorphosis from crafty conman - always playing some angle - to eager expectant dad as his focus turned almost exclusively to the arrival of the new baby. Neal had bored Peter to tears with his almost daily progress reports on Sara's pregnancy: the size of the baby, its attributes, Sara's swollen ankles and her overactive sexual appetite. On a couple of occasions when the couples had had dinner together, he'd seen Neal lovingly rub Sara's ankles and in moments of sheer, unguarded tenderness, he'd watched as Neal lay his head in her lap with his face snuggled up to her belly while he sang to the baby, to everyone else's (but Sara's) embarrassment.

To see him filled with anguish and doubt now that Hope was finally here made absolutely no sense.

'What is it, Neal? Is the idea of being a dad too much for you?' Peter asked trying to kick start the conversation

'No, no. That's not it' Neal said instinctively 'It's... me, I...'

Peter sat there patiently waiting for 'Mr. Silvertongue' to put two coherent sentences together – something that was not usually a problem for the man. After a moment, Neal refocused and spoke.

'Peter, you've said it yourself – people don't change overnight' Neal finally said 'I'm a criminal...'

'Neal, you're a reformed criminal – ' Peter began

Neal interrupted. 'There's no such thing as a reformed criminal no more than a reformed alcoholic, Peter. It's a struggle every single day...'

'But you've been doing great – did something happen, are you in some kind of trouble?' Peter asked

'No, nothing like that. I just finally realized that, as excited as I am to be a dad... I... I could turn out to be a menace to my little girl' Neal said, lowering his eyes

Peter looked at him, puzzled.

'What are you _talking_ about?' he asked 'I can see how much you love her'

'I do, that's the whole point. What if I get myself into trouble again or... what if I land myself back in jail. Peter, I...' Neal began, obviously uncomfortable with what he was about to confess

'...I still get excited when I think about running a con or forging a piece. Just the thought of it gets my blood pumping' he admitted as if this was a surprise to Peter

'I _know_ that, Neal – and it'll probably always be like that to a certain extent but it'll get easier with time. Look, you've been doing great the last little while which proves to me that you can control your impulses' he said patiently

Neal looked into his partner's eyes, trying to find solace in his words.

'But I might not always... what if I can't control myself. I just can't do that to Hope and Sara. Sara would be so disappointed in me... and Hope, well, I _have_ to be a good role model if I'm going to be in her life' Neal said 'I can't promise that I'll always be up to that standard'

It was all coming out in a blur of words and emotions and Neal's shoulders began to relax in direct proportion to his verbal tirade. Without taking a breath, he continued.

'And then, someday, she'll find out about my past and she'll know who I really am...'

Peter let out a long slow breath as he realized what Neal had been struggling with and the reason for his sudden disappearance.

'Neal, everybody has a past... you'll be off the anklet in another seven months. Hope will see you for who you are, her loving dad; she won't care about what you did in your indiscriminate youth' he reasoned

Neal was only half listening, focussed on what he'd been wanting to ask Peter

'I've been wondering if... do you think you could get the rest of my sentence transferred over to D.C.? I could serve out my time there... I just think it would be too hard on all of us if I stayed in New York' Neal said, forlorn

The idea had been running around his mind all day - if he wanted to stay away from Hope and not be a bad influence in her life, Neal knew he'd have to be far away; he would never have the willpower to stay away from her if he stayed in New York.

'What are you _talking_ about?' Peter interjected – leave it to Neal to come up with the most outlandish solutions. 'Listen to yourself'

Both men stopped talking and just stared at each other. Peter needed to break through Neal's mindset and he decided the best tactic was a direct approach.

'Neal, do you love Sara?' he asked, knowing full well the answer

'More than you know' Neal said sadly

'And the baby?' Peter asked

Neal let out a sound that sounded like some wounded animal before catching his breath.

'Why do you think I'm doing this? I love her too much to subject her to a dad who might lead her down the path to... a life of crime' he answered

'Neal, we've been through this before. Life is about choices - '

'That's just it Peter. Maybe, I'm doomed to a life of crime; sometimes I don't think it _is_ a choice'

'Of course it is. What's more important to you – a life of crime or the life you could have with Sara and Hope?' Peter asked

'That's a no-brainer - I want a life with them more than I ever imagined I would' Neal said, finally hearing his own words

'Then, why don't you cut yourself a little slack and start to trust yourself. Sara has. She said yes to your marriage proposal and she had enough faith in you to have this baby... your baby' Peter said, not breaking eye contact

Peter watched as Neal faltered, seemingly beginning to come around to his point of view.

'What? Suddenly, you're afraid things might get a little tough and you want to bail? Neal, I've seen you stare down the barrel of a gun, I watched you jump out of a fourth story window, you base jumped off a high rise building for chrissake; you've put yourself in danger time and time again to help others' Peter reasoned

'That was different...' said Neal, shaking his head

'You're wrong. It's about the man you are deep inside, the one who'd do anything for the people he loves. Neal, it's about you choosing to do the right thing – which you've proven you can do over and over again' Peter said, leaning forward

Peter could see he was starting to get through to him so he plowed on.

'Neal, we've had this discussion – it's all about giving up something you want so you can have something you want even more. And now, you're the only one who can decide what it is _you_ want more. Is it to go back to the life?' he asked

'No' Neal said adamantly 'It isn't'

'Then cowboy up, buddy. Take the plunge. We'll all be there to help you stay on the straight and narrow' he said, before adding with a smile 'This is my goddaughter we're talking about here and you can be damn sure I'll be on your case if you start to step out of line'

Neal laughed despite himself. He had no doubt Peter could play the role of enforcer better than anyone and suddenly the idea that he wouldn't be on his own to fight his demons was a reassuring one. He thought of Sara in her hospital bed, waiting for word and realized that he'd been a fool not to give himself and their new family, the benefit of the doubt.

'I've been stupid –' he said, coming to his senses

'No. Just impulsive... but we're used to it' Peter laughed

'Sara's gonna kill me' Neal said as he shook his head

'Would you blame her? You're on your own with that one, buddy; I've got enough of _my_ wife to deal with' Peter said as he stood and put a hand on Neal's shoulder in solidarity

Neal's mind was finally starting to quiet down from all the negative self-talk and irrational worries that had been swirling in his brain for the past few hours. If he came clean to Sara about how he was feeling and asked for her help, he was beginning to realize that he might be able to have the life he really wanted.

'Come on. I'll drive you back and we can come back for June's car tomorrow' Peter said

Neal nodded as he stood.

'Thanks. Do you mind waiting for me downstairs? I need to call Sara first' Neal said as he pulled out his phone

Suddenly, he needed to hear her voice and he just couldn't wait until he got there in person.

'I'll be in the car' Peter said

WCWCWC

'I'll take her back to the nursery' Elizabeth said as she took Hope from Sara's arms and put her back in her tiny hospital bed

'Okay' Sara said softly as she kissed her baby's forehead

It had been almost twelve hours since she'd heard anything from Neal – except for Peter's brief message that he was safe; where, she had no idea. She thought back to the long discussions she and Neal had when she first found out she was pregnant; a most unexpected situation for both of them. She had decided to terminate the pregnancy but Neal had made a compelling argument for them to have the baby and raise her together. He'd done a lot of soul searching before coming to the realization that he was ready to commit to the baby and she'd known without the shadow of a doubt that she could count on him to raise their little girl.

His actions over the past eight months had spoken volumes and even though Neal would never be a model citizen, Sara had seen the lengths he'd been prepared to go to in order to be by her side – every step of the way. He'd been her one-man cheering section all through her pregnancy, sometimes to a fault as he bored anyone who would listen with the minute details of the growing baby, and she'd begun to feel safe and secure with Neal around.

What could have possibly happened after he left that morning to change all that? The thought that he would somehow not be there by her side was just too much to bear and she let out a sob just as her phone vibrated on the bedside table.

Her eyes widened as she took in the image on the screen.

'Neal!' she answered breathlessly

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Peter sat in the car, waiting patiently for Neal to emerge from the building. He looked across the street to the local fast food place; Mozzie seemed to have vanished into thin air – as only Mozzie could. Peter thought of Neal's confession and his farfetched solution to his dilemma – finishing out his time in D.C – only Neal would go to such extremes to resolve a problem. His CI drove him crazy at the best of times but he had to admit he had developed a sincere fondness for the man; it was impossible not to fall for Neal Caffrey's charm and even a hardened law man like Peter Burke wasn't totally immune to the conman's undeniable magnetism. Of course, Neal's charms weren't limited to his smile and cocky walk, there was honest, sincere emotion under that charismatic exterior and, as time passed, Peter could see more and more of the real Neal Caffrey peeking out from under the persistent veneer. Sara Ellis had a lot to do with that and, apparently, her unplanned pregnancy had been the catalyst the conman had needed to get in touch with his true feelings and dare to let them show.

Peter watched as Neal ambled over to the car with his head held not quite as high as it usually was and that annoying swagger of his missing in action. The car door opened and Neal settled in next to his partner, letting out a long slow gush of air.

'How did it go?' Peter asked as he turned to take in the sight of Neal

Neal just looked over and cocked his eyebrows in response; it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he'd just been raked over the coals.

'She's mad, huh?' he continued

'Let's just say, I'm hoping the hour and a half drive to the hospital will give her the time she needs to calm down' Neal admitted 'I did hear a little bit of relief in her voice so I'm going to hold on to that'

Peter started the car and pointed it out of Flemington, Pennsylvania and towards Manhattan as Neal settled in beside him.

'You never did tell me, what happened to kick start this whole thing. Was it holding Hope in your arms?' Peter asked, curious

'No' Neal said with a sad smile as he thought of his baby daughter in his arms that morning. She was so perfect in every way and he hadn't been able to take his eyes off her as she lay there sleeping.

Now that things were clearer, he was almost embarrassed to admit that this whole existential crisis had come about as the result of a dream he'd had.

'I dreamt that Hope got into trouble with the law and that it was because of the poor example I'd set. I'd ruined my marriage to Sara and I'd landed in jail...' Neal said, his voice trailing

'Whoa! That's pretty heavy' Peter admitted

'You know ever since we arrested Sophia Montoya last week, I've been imagining Hope getting into trouble someday and I've been worried that I could be a poor influence on her' Neal added

'Neal, you've got to have faith in yourself. Sara does and... well, I do too' he admitted rather reluctantly

'Why Peter! Where is all this coming from?' Neal answered with his usual Caffrey cockiness firmly back in place

'Well, you've come a long way. Look at what you did to save Lindsey Gless, you put yourself in real danger with Wilkes to rescue her – and what about Katherine McMillan and her adopted son. Neal, you've got a good heart and you have to stop trying to hide it'

Neal let out a muffled laugh.

'Well, I _can't_ hide it when it comes to Hope ... or Sara - even if I tried' he admitted

'Well, believe it or not, that's not a bad thing, buddy' Peter said as they turned onto the highway

WCWCWC

Sara lay in her hospital bed, her body shaking uncontrollably. Neal Caffrey did it to her every time: he drove her crazy with his impulsive and reckless reactions to situations and yet, he was endearing and loving and she couldn't deny the relief she'd felt at hearing his voice on the phone, sounding so vulnerable. He was headed back to the hospital, of that she was certain, despite the fact that her last words to him had been along the lines of 'Don't bother showing up here, you son of a bitch!'

Who was she kidding? She couldn't wait to lay eyes on him, to look into those pools of blue and have him take her in his arms and tell her it was all a stupid mistake. She shook her head and let out an audible grunt just as Elizabeth appeared in the doorway to her hospital room.

'What happened, did you hear from him?' she asked

'Yes, I heard from him' Sara said in her cold, pre-Neal voice

Elizabeth took the chair by the bed and waited for more. Sara obviously needed a moment to collect her thoughts.

'He's on his way over' she finally said with a sigh

'So, he's alright?' El asked searching her friend's eyes

'Well, I don't know how 'alright' he'll be when I'm finished with him' she said, spitefully 'But he _is_ in one piece at the moment'

'What did he say?' Elizabeth asked, in her usual, probing way

'Not a hell of a lot. Just some _crap_ about freaking out and needing some time...' she spat out as El watched her carefully

'When the hell do _I_ get to freak out, huh?' she asked of her friend, her voice angry 'I'm stuck here in a hospital bed, my boobs aching and tethered to another human being while Neal Caffrey is taking _time_ to freak out' she said using air quotes to accentuate her words

Her voice faltered and Elizabeth could tell that her friend's emotions were out of control. It was no wonder; after the strain of giving birth and having her whole life change in seconds, she was bound to be emotional. And now, to have her baby daddy check out unexpectedly, leaving her on her own was just too much for the young woman to cope with. El decided she needed to tread lightly but she had to find a way to bring Sara back to the reason why she and Neal were so good together in the first place.

'Did he explain _why_ he freaked out?' she asked

'Not exactly but he kept saying that he loved me and he loved Hope' Sara said, starting to soften before the fire came back into her eyes '... but those are just words, El, I need him to stand up and be the man... the man I _know_ he can be'

El sat back and listened – Sara was on a tear and she needed to get all those conflicting feelings out in the open.

'You know, Elizabeth, we went through all this months ago. Neal promised me he would always be there for Hope and I believed him' she said with a twinge of sadness 'That's what I get for believing a conman' she added bitterly

'Sara, I was there too and I can guarantee you that Neal meant every word of it... and he really struggled with the whole situation' El said

'Well, apparently, he gets a do-over' she continued, her voice angry '...and I _don't_ '

'Look, he's on his way back to talk it out; why don't you give him a chance to explain?' El suggested

Sara returned to her hard, stoic self, seemingly needing to change the subject.

'Is Hope alright?' she asked, switching to 'mom mode'

'Yeah, she's sleeping. The nurses will bring her in when she needs to be fed. How are _you_ feeling about... the whole motherhood thing?' Elizabeth asked

'I felt fine until it hit me that I might be a _single_ mom. Neal knew how I felt – I told him I wasn't up to this... parenting thing by myself' Sara said as her eyes met Elizabeth's '... but now that I've seen her...'

'You love her already...' El stated more than asked

'I think they should come up with another word because the way I feel when I'm holding her, it's... _love_ just doesn't cut it' Sara admitted

Elizabeth smiled in response. She'd wanted to be a mom her whole life and she could only imagine the overwhelming feelings of devotion and responsibility a woman felt when a child was first placed in her arms.

'Look, El. I really appreciate you being here and seeing me through the last few hours but I think I need a bit of time by myself to get my head clear before Neal gets here' Sara said

Elizabeth took her friend's hand and squeezed it.

'Of course' she said quietly 'I'll go down to the lobby and wait for Peter there'

Quiet returned around her, yet Sara's mind was whirling with conflicting thoughts and emotions. She closed her eyes and tried to collect herself; Neal was the reckless one, not her, and she needed to take the time to think things through before she made any decision that would impact the rest of her life – and her daughter's.

WCWCWC

The Ford Taurus pulled up in front of the hospital and Elizabeth Burke watched as Neal stepped out and made his way to the main doors. He looked tired and listless, no doubt unsure as to the kind of welcome he was about to get.

'Neal!' El called out as she met him halfway to the car

'How is she?' Neal asked, his eyes searching hers 'I mean... how are _they_?' he corrected himself as he realized that now, there was more than just Sara to think about

'Hope is sound asleep and Sara is... well, I think she's keeping an open mind. You're not here to mess with her emotions, are you?' El asked sternly

'No!' Neal blurted out 'Of course not'

'Because if this is anything other than a one-time thing, Sara is _not_ going to put up with it' El warned

Neal nodded resolutely; he knew that to be a fact. The only thing worse than Elizabeth Burke's indignation was the wrath of Sara Ellis and Neal continued into the hospital to face the music.

WCWCWC

The nursery was noisy as Neal sauntered past; he glanced in, seeing if he could spot Hope. Of the five babies presently housed there, four of them were crying as Hope slept peacefully through the ruckus.

'Mr. Caffrey' said one of the nurses he recognized from the night before 'Did you want to take your daughter into your wife's room?'

Neal smiled at the words 'daughter' and 'wife', both so foreign to him. Hope _was_ his daughter and the thought was both thrilling and scary in equal measures. As far as having a wife - Neal had never imagined in his wildest dreams that he would ever use the word to describe someone in _his_ life but in a couple of months, if Sara was still willing, that would be the case and he had to admit he liked the sound of it.

'I'm just checking in on her' he said meekly

'Well, you can come in if you want' said the nurse as she held the door open for Neal to step in

He bypassed all the other bassinettes, zeroing in on the only one that mattered to him and tenderly picked up his daughter in his arms, careful not to wake her. She looked peaceful and content, probably having been fed in the last little while and he watched in wonder as her tiny hand instinctively squeezed his baby finger. Her little mouth, in the shape of a heart, make a small sucking motion and she let out a contented sigh as he watched in utter admiration.

Did he really think he could ever walk away from this beautiful little person?

'Daddy's home' he whispered to her as he pulled her in to kiss her forehead 'I promise I'll never leave you again'

He put her back down in the bassinette and smiled at the nurse as he left the nursery; he wanted to have his wits about him when he sat with Sara to talk things out and he turned, purposefully taking the last few steps into Sara's hospital room.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The sound of the crying babies receded as Neal made it up the hall to where the hospital rooms were located. Sara's room was the one closest to the nursing station and Neal nodded to Karen as he tiptoed by; she'd been the nurse on duty the night before and she'd helped Sara through her labor and the first breastfeed; she'd been caring and supportive as the young couple had struggled through those last few hours on the road to becoming parents.

She gave Neal a questioning look and stepped out from behind the desk; after all it was past ten o'clock. Although there were no restrictions on visits from new dads, it was way past visiting hours and she'd just checked in on her sleeping patient.

'Hi Karen' Neal said sheepishly

'Hi' she responded softly, standing between him and the door to Sara's room 'Sara just fell asleep a few minutes ago'

Neal looked at her, waiting for more. The nurse seemed to have something on her mind.

'Look, I don't know the details of your personal business nor do I want to know but... well, she was obviously very upset about... something. Is your presence here going to make it better – or worse?' she asked bluntly

She was a veteran and she'd seen lots of different family situations over the years and although she'd seen the love and devotion between Neal and Sara the night before, she'd also noticed that Sara had been upset since she'd come on shift at seven o'clock.

'Better... I hope' Neal said, his voice barely a whisper in the eerily quiet hallway

'Well, I don't want my patient upset on my watch' she added as she stared into Neal's eyes

'Neither do I' he responded softly 'I won't stay if my presence is too upsetting'

She nodded and stood aside giving him clear passage and Neal continued the last few steps and opened the door without a sound.

WCWCWC

 _'_ _Oh, honey, you look beautiful!' Sara said as she fussed with Hope's bouquet_

 _Hope beamed back; her face glowing. The door opened and in walked Neal dressed in formal attire, looking every bit the proud father of the bride._

 _'_ _Oh my God!' he exclaimed as he got his first look at his beautiful daughter in her vintage wedding dress_

 _'_ _Hi Daddy' Hope said with a radiant smile_

 _'_ _I'm glad you're both here' she said, calm and composed 'I just wanted to tell you again how thankful I am for everything you've done for me'_

 _Sara and Neal stood proudly, trying to keep from crying although Sara was not managing it in the least. She wiped her eyes gingerly so as not to mess up her makeup and Neal put a reassuring arm around her shoulder as they both gazed at their gorgeous daughter._

 _'_ _You've always been there for me and now it's my turn to pay it forward, to get married and start a family. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the two of you. Thank you so much' she said, her voice beginning to falter as she put her arms around both her parents_

WCWCWC

Neal watched as Sara slept, a smile firmly on her face; he'd been watching her for about fifteen minutes not wanting to disturb what looked to be a nice dream. Her hair was mussed, falling halfway on her face as she lay on her back, her breathing calm and regular; a nice change from the troubled sleep and loud snoring she'd experienced over the last few weeks of her pregnancy.

Neal had been playing the dialogue over and over in his head: sometimes, it ended with Sara smiling up at him and telling him he was forgiven and other times, he imagined her throwing something at him as she screamed for him to leave her alone and never come back. He realized he'd waited long enough and he moved the hand he'd softly placed on her arm down to her hand and squeezed softly.

'Sara?' he said quietly as her eyes flickered open

Her initial reaction was unguarded and she smiled lovingly at the sight of him before she remembered what had happened and the smile melted into a look of sadness and disappointment.

'Neal...' she whispered breathlessly as she shimmied up to sit in the bed

'You looked so peaceful' he said as a means to a deflection – he knew better than to even try one of his patented Caffrey smiles at a moment like this and he gave her a small, sincere one instead

She raised her eyebrows and just glared at him, still getting her bearings and waiting for him to speak up.

'I'm sorry' he said simply 'I was an idiot'

Sara just continued looking into his eyes, that look of disappointment still on her face – somehow much worse than if she'd been yelling at him and Neal momentarily wished that she would speak up and give him hell.

'Please say something...' he finally said; he couldn't take the silent treatment any longer

'What do you want me to say, Neal? I've been lying here all day wondering if you'd finally decided you didn't want to be a dad after all - ' she said

'No, that's not it Sara. I _love_ Hope and I love _you_ , more than ever' Neal said with sincerity

Sara scoffed at his response – words were cheap.

'I know I didn't act like it today but I do' he said, hoping she would keep listening

She didn't have a whole lot to say to that and she just sat there waiting for more of an explanation; the onus was definitely on him to try to make things right.

'Do you remember the night we closed the Campana case?' he asked

'Neal, it was just a few nights ago, of course I remember' she answered in her no-nonsense Sara Ellis way

'You remember when we were coming home from the Burkes in the cab that night and I asked you what we would do if _our_ daughter ever got herself into trouble?' Neal continued

Sara nodded, her face still neutral; like a judge presiding over a case, she was willing to give him some leeway to explain although she couldn't see what any of this had to do with Neal taking off without a word to anyone.

'I guess I've been haunted by Sophia Montoya's face that night. She's just a kid and... well, she's somehow gotten herself into trouble while trying to do the right thing and now she's facing jail time for theft. I guess I've been worried that someday, Hope might get into trouble...'

'Of course she will, Neal. I mean, not _that_ kind of trouble... but we can't protect her from everything. She's going to grow up and she'll have to make her own decisions. It's up to us to try to keep her on the right track until she gets there' Sara said

'Well, that's just it, Sara. I somehow got it in my head that I would be a bad influence on her if I stuck around and I... sort of panicked' Neal finally confessed

Sara just stared at the man she loved, seeing the anguish in his eyes and wanting so badly to reassure him but the simmering anger got the better of her.

'So you decided to bail... and leave me alone to raise our daughter' she said, her voice growing a little louder and more impatient

Neal didn't have an answer for that and he just stared back, his mouth half open

'Do you have any idea what I've been going through?' Sara continued, her eyes angry and hurt 'First of all, I thought you would never do anything like this so I got worried that you were hurt or injured' she said, angry tears forming 'I believed with all my heart that you meant what you said when I first got pregnant and all I could think of was you lying injured in a gutter somewhere'

'I'm sorry...' Neal repeated although Sara didn't seem to hear him

'You're sorry? Is that what our lives are going be like, Neal? You running off doing impulsive things and then coming back and saying you're sorry and expecting me to just forgive and forget?' she said, her voice rising

'No, no, it isn't' Neal insisted 'Please hear me out'

Sara let out a loud sigh, catching her breath and realizing it was late at night in a quiet hospital; she needed to calm down. She shook her head in desolation and waited for him to continue.

'Is there anything I've said or done in the past eight months to make you doubt just how much I love you and want a life with you and the baby?' Neal asked, leaning in to make his point

Sara listened; after they'd finally come to an agreement, Neal had been supportive and loving in every possible way and she realized now that she'd been lulled into a false sense of security where their relationship was concerned.

'That's just it, Neal. You conned me, I believed you...' she said, unbidden tears coming to her eyes

'No, Sara' Neal interrupted, his voice adamant. 'This is no con – I'm trying to tell you how I _feel_. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me? First, I have to admit things to myself before I can share them with _you_ – I wasn't raised to share my feelings. I had to keep things to myself, work them out and then put on a brave face and pretend everything was okay. And this... us... it's all still new to me and I mess up sometimes' he said without taking a breath

'Neal, I can't live like this, not knowing if one day you're going to decide it's all too much for you. I would rather face things alone with Hope than to live on pins and needles' she lamented

Neal shook his head as he began to realize exactly what he'd put Sara through over the past few hours.

'You're right. I should have come back here right after I had that horrible dream and just told you how I was feeling...' he began

'What horrible dream?' Sara asked, wiping her eyes

'This morning, I dreamt that Hope had become a thief and it was all because I was in her life and I started to think that I would be a bad influence if I stuck around' he admitted

'But – '

'But, nothing, Sara. I've been hearing it my whole life – from Mozzie, from the prison system... from Peter... I'm a criminal and it's all I'll ever be. It takes time to turn it around and start believing that I can put this behind me, for good' he said in a moment of pure clarity

'But you've been doing so well the past few months. I mean, sure, you and Mozzie still have your little sidebars I would rather not know about, but you've managed to keep yourself out of trouble' Sara said as she struggled to understand

'And I _want_ to keep myself out of trouble but... I wouldn't be honest with you or with myself if I didn't admit that's it's not always easy' Neal said, searching her eyes

Sara listened as he spoke, trying to see things from his point of view.

'What are you telling me, Neal? That you can't resist the attraction to a life of crime and that I have to accept that you'll always be a criminal?'

'No, if I really believed that, I wouldn't have come back. I couldn't do that to you or Hope but if I promise to be honest with you... will you help me?' he asked, sounding like a lost soul

'Help you? What does that mean? Put up with your shenanigans? No, Neal, I won't raise Hope in a life of petty crime and shady dealings' Sara stated clearly

'And I would never ask you to...' Neal said, his voice trailing as doubt began to resurface momentarily 'But I need you to support me when things are rough'

Sara looked at Neal, not the ultra-suave, confident man she'd met years ago but the loving, caring human being she'd fallen in love with despite – and a little bit because of – his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. She wanted to throw her arms around his neck, confess her undying love for him and tell him things would be okay and yet, logic prevailed as she spoke.

'I don't know if I can do that, Neal'

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The door to the hospital room opened, interrupting the intense conversation as one of the nurses wheeled in the bassinette carrying Hope Ellis-Caffrey. Neal stood to greet them, taking his daughter's tiny bed the rest of the way and placing it next to Sara's bed.

'I think this little one is hungry' said the nurse as she turned to leave

'Again!' Sara exclaimed

The unexpected intrusion was a welcome relief and an opportunity for Neal and Sara to take a deep breath and step away from the intensity of the discussion, albeit for a few minutes, and both of them smiled at the sight of their newborn daughter. Hope fussed in her bed, whimpering, her arms flailing and legs kicking underneath the tightly wrapped blanket, making her tiny body sway from side to side. Neal placed his hand underneath her to scoop her up, her body practically fitting in the palm of his large hand. He brought her to his chest, cradling her and speaking softly as Sara watched the baby react to the welcome sound by calming down, her eyes turning towards her daddy's voice.

'Hey, sweetie' he was saying 'Were you missing Mommy, huh? Are you hungry?'

Sara's breath caught in her throat at the sight of the two of them – the two most precious human beings on the planet in her eyes. Neal was a natural; she'd noticed that since early on in her pregnancy. He had an uncanny connection with children and she'd come to count on his easygoing nature while she continued to struggle with her own insecurities as they related to her new role as a mom. She watched as Neal sat gently on the edge of the bed, holding their daughter and she sat up and prepared to nurse.

'Which side do you want to do first?' he asked, as if breastfeeding had been a common occurrence between them for months

'Here' Sara said, putting out her arms to place the baby on her left breast

Neal sat with his arm around Sara, watching in awe as Hope latched on without hesitation.

'Wow, she's really getting the hang of it' he commented as he gazed at the beautiful scene before his eyes

Sara placed a finger against Hope's cheek, coaxing her to start nursing and Hope obeyed, her earlier sounds of discontent fading to nothing.

Neal made an unusual sound and Sara looked up to see his rapt face, completely taken by the scene he was witnessing as he tried to keep himself under control. Over the past few months, she'd gotten used to seeing him animated as he talked to her burgeoning belly, his delight obvious. Now that Hope was here, the emotion written on his face was raw and uninhibited and she realized, once again, that this unguarded version of Neal Caffrey was new – both for her and for him. Her heart surged at the notion and she wondered how they would get past this unexpected bump in their relationship - and whether or not she wanted to try.

A life without Neal had become unthinkable in recent memory; the last few hours of worrying as to whether or not he was alright was proof of that. If she pushed him away and started to rebuild the wall she'd recently been working so hard at tearing down, she would deprive herself of the joy of watching Neal's face as he stared in adoration at their daughter. She knew for a fact that Hope would become a better person with her dad in her life and she realized she had to find a way to make that happen, regardless of her relationship with him.

Neal continued to gaze at the sight of the two ladies in his life; who was he kidding, there was no way he could walk away from this life – a life he'd brainwashed himself into thinking he'd never deserve. He had to find a way to make this work at all costs. He watched as Sara held Hope lovingly, talking to her as she breastfed – an image he would not have been able to conjure up in his wildest imaginings just a year ago. Sara had finally let him in and she'd begun to share her vulnerabilities with him since his return from Cape Verde and there was no turning back for either one of them.

'She's going to fall asleep again' Neal remarked as Hope's eyes began to close

'I have to try to get her to stay awake long enough to get her fill or she wakes up too often' Sara said as she touched Hope's cheek to get her to start suckling again

'Hey sweet pea' Neal said, his voice a little louder as he touched the baby's head 'Wake up for Mommy!'

Sara swallowed hard, hearing Neal referring to her as 'mommy' always did things to her insides; it was just so intimate – something she never thought she'd get to experience in her lifetime and now that she was somebody's 'mommy', she couldn't imagine it being otherwise.

Hope struggled with staying awake and Sara jostled her, placing her on the right side, her breasts sore and raw and she winced as Hope began to nurse once again.

'Sore?' Neal asked as Sara let out a small plaintive moan

'Yeah' she responded, grimacing

'Where's that cream I bought for you?' Neal asked as he stood and started to rummage through Sara's overnight bag

She watched and smiled despite herself – they were having a major blow-up, calling into question the very future of their relationship and Neal was doing a mundane, wonderfully thoughtful thing just like all those other wonderfully thoughtful things he'd done in the past – things she'd grudgingly begun to expect from him. They were a team, she realized, and they _had_ to try to work things out.

By the time Hope was settled back in her tiny bed, calm had resumed both in the hospital room and in the young parents' overworked minds. Neal asked with his eyes if he could join Sara up on the bed and she smiled gently and made room for him as they finally lay, facing each other, Neal's arm resting on Sara's hip.

'Neal, I want to be your _wife_ – not your mom or your handler' Sara finally said as they settled in, Hope sound asleep by their side

Neal nodded at the important distinction.

'You're right, I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I just felt I needed to come clean about my fears...' he said, his voice quiet

'And I _want_ to hear about them... I want to know how you feel and I want to be able to tell you how I feel. But we can't be everything to each other and I will _not_ enter into our marriage with you expecting me to always be the one with the cool, level head who'll keep you out of trouble' Sara said

Neal listened carefully as she spoke. She was right; he couldn't delegate the responsibility for the decisions in his life to another person.

'Neal, I don't expect you to be... perfect – although you're pretty damn close' she added with a wry smile as Neal beamed in reply 'But I _do_ expect you to put the two of us first - just like I'll put the two of you first in all of _my_ decisions'

Neal nodded 'You know, in some warped way, I guess that's what I was trying to do today when I took off. I really thought it was what was best for her' Neal mused as he ran his hand gently down Sara's cheek

'No!' Sara said, her voice adamant 'That could never be what's best for her, Neal. She already loves you, can't you tell?'

Neal looked over her shoulder to the small sleeping form in the bassinette by the bed. The baby sighed as she slept and he smiled at the sight of her.

'She's amazing. How did you and I ever make such a perfect little person?' he asked still reeling from the newness of fatherhood

Sara reached for his face, bringing his head back down on the pillow to face her.

'And she's resilient, Neal. She won't break - or become a criminal - if we don't say or do the right thing every single time. We'll learn to be parents together – we'll support each other and if we always try to do what's best for her, we can't go wrong' Sara said

'Why, Sara Ellis, where did all this parental wisdom come from?' he said as he jostled her

She laughed, gazing into his animated eyes and shrugged. She had no idea where those pearls of wisdom had come from.

'So' Neal said as he played with Sara's engagement ring 'You still want to be my wife?'

'Yes' she answered as she leaned in to kiss his lips 'More than ever'

Neal let out a sigh of relief and pulled out of the kiss to look at her.

'We're a family' he declared, surprising himself with the words

'We _are_ a family' Sara agreed

WCWCWC

Peter Burke sat with the tiny baby nestled in his arms; he'd never been much of a 'kid person' but something about this tiny little being had reached all the way into his core and he'd fallen in love with his god-daughter the moment he'd first laid eyes on her.

'Honey, you're going to drop mashed potatoes on her head' Elizabeth said as they all sat together in the Burke dining room having dinner

Neal and Sara looked at each other and smiled – seeing big, bad Agent Burke totally melt at the sight of a newborn baby was priceless. El and Peter had insisted on having the young family over for dinner on Sara's first day out of hospital. It was fitting that they should all return to the scene of the crime – the spot where they'd sat seven and half months earlier, announcing they were having a baby and asking the Burkes to be godparents.

'I'm being careful' Peter responded as he looked down at the sleeping infant

'You know, Peter, you're going to spoil her. She can sleep in her baby carrier' said Neal

'I'm good' Peter said as El rolled her eyes at Sara

He was going to be insufferable, she thought, as she watched her husband in such an unexpected pose.

'So, Neal, are you looking forward to the time off to be home with the baby?' El asked turning to the new parents

'Well, we're planning on doing some cocooning, that's for sure' he said as he glanced at Sara and took her hand in his

'And I'm going to get back on my feet' added Sara 'I was thinking of an aqua-fit class, do you think you might want to join me?' she asked Elizabeth

'Yeah, that sounds good' her friend agreed 'What about the wedding? Have you guys set a date?'

Sara and Neal exchanged glances; what with preparing for Hope's arrival they hadn't given their upcoming wedding much thought although now, they were looking forward to making it all legal.

'Well, let me get rid of this baby fat first' Sara said pointing to her small paunch

Neal ran his hand lovingly over the small remaining bump 'I'm going to miss your belly' he said longingly

Sara rolled her eyes.

'What? I loved your big belly' he added

'Well, that makes one of us' Sara responded as she glanced over at Hope 'I much prefer her out here with us than in there giving me indigestion and keeping me up nights'

'Well, I hate to break it to you' said El 'but I think your sleepless nights have just begun'

'You know, now that we've got the hang of it...' Neal said, his eyes aglow as he looked over at Sara mischievously 'We could try for a little boy'

Sara hit him with her napkin and he ducked avoiding the playful gesture.

'What?' he uttered in mock surprise

'Neal Caffrey, you keep your hands off me' she declared, laughing heartily

The road to parenthood had ended where it had begun and now, there were plenty more adventures ahead for the new family.

La fin


End file.
